The Sage Northcutt Apple-Tearing Tour was exactly what 2016 needed. A fresh, happy, young, healthy person who is at no risk of dying anytime soon showing off their virility and over 9000 love for life by destroying fruit with their bare hands.
Crushing apples with your bare hands is the closest a human can come to having bear hands, also known as paws. That's a bad joke. I shouldn't even include it but it's the type of line Sage Northcutt would smile at, but then again Sage Northcutt smiles at everything. Now we're back where we started — with Smilin' Sage, an apple.
This time, the apple execution comes in slow motion.
Notice how Sage never really changes his expression? Here he is before the apple breaks:
Now here he is an estimated 1.5 seconds later:
The man just tore an apple in half with a single blink and smiled with the brightness of a thousand angels laughing. Sage Northcutt is never not happy. He was even smiling as he got his first UFC loss. What a guy! He's happy. So happy! Too happy?
Frankly, and it's time we get this out of the way, Sage Northcutt can't prove he's not a cybernetic being, and that's why he's such a phenomenal martial artist. The fact of the matter is that this is on us, the human race. We need to catch up to the tech the futuristic cyborgs who sent him back in time to enthrall us with viral apple-tearing videos are currently developing.
Sage Northcutt is the future of the UFC because he's from the future.