If you're looking for a recap of UFC 209 without having to watch it in its entirety, here you go.
Dominick Cruz, Jon Anik and Joe Rogan appear with a cloud of smoke behind them.
ROGAN: Where's Goldie?
CRUZ & ANIK: In the upside down.
ROGAN: Alright, let's do this!
Albert Morales vs. Andre Soukhamthath
MORALES: I need to win.
SOUKHAMTHATH: My last name will win any game of Scrabble.
MORALES: Shut up and gimme yer split decision.
Things happen, Morales wins split decision.
Paul Craig vs. Tyson Pedro
PAUL CRAIG: I don’t watch UFC, I’m Scottish.
TYSON PEDRO: Hype train, derailed.
CRAIG: Why am I in a crucifix?
PEDRO: Eat these elbows.
Tyson Pedro pummels Paul Craig for 1st round TKO.
Mark Godbeer vs. Daniel Spitz
GODBEER: You’re not Todd Duffee.
SPITZ: I’m not?
CROWD: He’s not.
GODBEER: Go home, yer drunk.
SPITZ: I’m not.
Godbeer punches Spitz…a lot.
SPITZ: I’m drunk.
GODBEER: I’m English, I’ll make sure you get home safe.
SPITZ: Thanks, I’m still not Todd Duffee?
Mark Godbeer wins unanimous decision.
Iuri Alcantara vs. Luke Sanders
SANDERS: Hulk smash.
ALCANTARA: Hey, why is Becky Lynch cageside?
SANDERS: Hulk smash!
MARK GODDARD (REFEREE): Move, Alcantara!
GODDARD: Good enough.
SANDERS: I’m tired of punching you.
ALCANTARA: I’m tired of being punched.
SANDERS: Hey, where did you go?
SANDERS: Damn. I’ll tap.
Joe Rogan explodes. Dominick Cruz and Jon Anik are covered in Joe Rogan.
Darren Elkins vs. Mirsad Bektic
ANIK: How’d you do that?
CRUZ: That’s amazing.
ROGAN: I’ve got work to do.
ELKINS: Your hair is stupid.
BEKTIC: Your tattoo is stupid.
Bektic beats the crap out of Elkins
BEKTIC: You should be dead.
ELKINS: But my tattoo…
Elkins is bleeding everywhere
CROWD: This is awesome!
ELKINS: I think I’m going to pass out.
BEKTIC: Stay awake!
Bektic continues punching
ELKINS: I would pass out if you’d stop punching me.
BEKTIC: My hair is amazing.
ELKINS: Did you know I’ve went for a billion submissions in the UFC and never got anybody to submit?
BEKTIC: Are you foreshadowing?
ELKINS: I don’t know. I think I’m dead.
CROWD: This is gross!
Third round starts and everyone is sad.
BEKTIC: I’ma try a takedown.
ELKINS: Why? You’re winning?
BEKTIC: My hair is blue.
ELKINS: Whatever, dude. Make it quick.
Bektic fails at takedown. Both get to their feet.
ELKINS: Look over there!
Bektic looks away. Elkins punches him in the face and kicks him.
ELKINS: It worked!
BEKTIC: I’m dead.
ELKINS: Thanks for the bonus. My face hurts.
Joe Rogan explodes…again. Dominick Cruz and Jon Anik are covered in Joe Rogan…again.
Darren Elkins scores 3rd round KO; still hasn’t submitted anybody in the UFC.
Marcin Tybura vs. Luis Henrique
Everyone goes to the bathroom and come back to find Henrique asleep.
TYBURA: I won.
HENRIQUE: He won.
Marcin Tybura apparently knocked out Luis Henrique when nobody was looking.
Face the Pain plays. Dana White headbangs. Rogan reappears. Looks for Mike Goldberg. Settles for Anik and Cruz.
ROGAN: This is where I yell about how exciting these fights will be.
CRUZ: How do you keep doing this?
ANIK: I’m analyzing things.
Mark Hunt vs. Alistair Overeem
Hunt walks to the cage, his attorney follows.
HUNT: They forced me to be here.
Overeem walks to the cage.
OVEREEM: Why are you mad at me?
HUNT: I’m mad at the UFC but you’re a cheater.
OVEREEM: No, I’m not.
HUNT: Remember that time?
OVEREEM: That was different.
Hunt and Overeem fight. Overeem kicks Hunt in the leg and blood pours everywhere.
HUNT: That’s pure Samoan blood.
OVEREEM: Let me get some of that for USADA.
HUNT: Let me hit you.
OVEREEM: If you hit me, I’ll die.
HUNT: That’s the point.
Dana White seen in between rounds yelling to Overeem to fight for his honor. Hunt hits Overeem with an elbow.
OVEREEM: I’m not dead.
HUNT: You’re not dead.
CROWD: He’s not dead.
Overeem clinches and hits Hunt with knees.
HUNT: Hey, what are you doing?
OVEREEM: Trying something. Hold on.
HUNT: You cheating mother…
Overeem hits Hunt with a knee to the face. Hunt does the Ric Flair flop.
HUNT: You cheated.
WHITE: He beat you like I’m about to beat this lawsuit.
Cynthia Calvillo vs. Amanda Cooper.
CALVILLO: I’m not even sure how I got here but “Jump Around” is playing.
COOPER: I’m not sure how we got here, either.
CALVILLO: This is exciting.
COOPER: This is overwhelming.
CALVILLO: Watch this!
COOPER: Where are you?
CALVILLO: On your back!
COOPER: That’s neat.
Rashad Evans vs. Daniel Kelly
Kelly walks to the cage like he’s batting seventh at the company picnic’s softball game. Evans walks to the cage like your uncle at the cookout who asks: “Which one of you young tenders is gonna make me a plate”
EVANS: I can fight.
KELLY: That’s good. Check out my dad-bod.
EVANS: I’m ripped!
KELLY: That won’t matter. You’re washed.
They fight. It’s clear Evans isn’t the same.
EVANS: They’re cheering for us.
Nate Diaz appears in a cloud of marijuana smoke.
DIAZ: They’re cheering for me. 209 motherf*cker.
KELLY: I’m almost a mummy with all these wraps on. Just five more box tops.
EVANS: I once knocked out Chuck Liddell.
Things happen a lot slower than usual. Kelly wins a split decision.
Lando Vannata vs. David Teymur
Street fighter 2 music plays.
VANNATA: I’m so groovy. Look at all this spinning sh*t.
TEYMUR: Stand still so I can punch you.
VANNATA: Dude, you don’t have a Wikipedia page.
TEYMUR: What’s Wikipedia?
Vannata does groovy stuff. Teymur is not impressed.
VANNATA: I lost?
VANNATA: I guess you get a Wikipedia page now.
Tyron Woodley vs. Stephen “Wonderboy” Thompson
Joe Rogan yells about the first fight. Dominick Cruz shrugs indifferently. Jon Anik is thinking about something else.
WOODLEY: I’m gonna circle to my right
THOMPSON: Oh, we’re doing this again?
WOODLEY: Yes, but with less action.
ROGAN: This is a technical masterpiece!
WOODLEY: You gonna do something?
THOMPSON: Nah, you do something!
WOODLEY: Let’s do this.
THOMPSON: I’m ready when you are.
WOODLEY Give me a second, trying to soak up the boos.
Sage Northcutt appears
NORTHCUTT: Go get him Mr. Woodley!
WOODLEY: Sage, go away! I’m trying to concentrate here.
THOMPSON: Are they booing because they are racist?
NORTHCUTT: These goshdarn racists.
WOODLEY Go away, Sage!
JOHN MCCARTHY: Hey, I’m ready to be a referee when you guys are ready to fight.
Sage disappears in a cloud of awesome.
WOODLEY: You ready to fight?
THOMPSON: Are you ready to fight?
WOODLEY: I guess I’ll keep going to my right. Come on.
WOODLEY: This wouldn’t have happened if I fought Georges St-Pierre, or Michael Bisping or Conor McGregor. But you? This sucks.
THOMPSON: My karate says to strike only when you are struck. Why won’t you strike me.
WOODLEY: Jedi mind tricks.
THOMPSON: Are we done yet?
Crowd is asleep. Rogan, Anik and Cruz are asleep.
WOODLEY: There’s 45 seconds left. Ready or not, here I come!
THOMPSON: I’m sleep.
WOODLEY: My plan worked!
Woodley drops Wonderboy with a right hand. Rogan explodes. Anik and Cruz are covered in Joe Rogan
CROWD: We’re awake!
THOMPSON: Not again.
WOODLEY: Again! Again!
THOMPSON: I’ll survive this.
The bell rings.
WOODLEY: Now it’s time to fight.
MCCARTHY: Sorry, the fight is over.
WOODLEY: But I’m the greatest welterweight ever?
THOMPSON: They’re reading the scores.
WOODLEY: They are going to take my belt from me.
Tyron Woodley wins a majority decision.
WOODLEY: I won!
THOMPSON: Nobody wants to see this again.
CROWD: This is awful!
Rogan appears in the ring.
CRUZ: How does he keep doing that?
ROGAN: That was a tactical masterpiece!