ByDave Rispoli, writer at
Staff Writer and Resident Talking Head @
Dave Rispoli

Your job has been exceedingly busy the last few weeks, and more and more seems to be added to your already overflowing plate. Your home life is subsequently providing zero relief. It's gotten to the point where you barely even know what day it is... and that's when it hits you.

You rush to take a look at your work schedule, and suddenly you feel an enormous pit begin to form in your stomach because you forgot to request November 12th off for UFC 205!

NO! How could you?

"It should be considered a holiday!" you scream at an empty wall you're pretending is your boss. But alas, "The biggest card in UFC history" is not yet recognized as a national, semi-religious holiday, and guess what? You're now scheduled to work that day.

Whatever shall you do?

Don't fret, has you covered, my friend.

Here are the 5 best excuses to get out of work for UFC 205:

*Now, before trying any of these out, rule #1 is STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA!

I know you're going to want to tweet out "WAR JOANNA CHAMPION" a hundred times before the fight, but you can't call in sick to work and then suddenly be healed by the power of the UFC.


5) Food Poisoning

They've heard this one 1,000 times, so the key to making this believable is specificity. Technically, if you started the sentence with, "I went to Boston Market..." you should be able to call it a day, but I think the more details you can supply, the better.

A foodborne illness is money in the bank because it wouldn't necessarily require a visit to a doctor, so the bossman or bosslady shouldn't be expecting a doctor's note.

My "go to" is using "sushi from a gas station" as the culprit. We've all seen it sitting there behind the glass, and thought, "who eats that?" We've all been drunk at 3 a.m. inside a gas station trying to justify why a California roll could be a clutch snack.

If you are going with this excuse, when you finally do show up to your UFC 205 party, be very careful what you eat, as karma will have it out for you! Stick to chips and/or anything that would survive a nuclear holocaust.

*If you're real nervous, WEB MD "foodborne illness," and check out all the symptoms it causes, memorize a few and then regurgitate them in front of a handful of co-workers come Monday morning.

4) Grandma's real sick

Most people go right to death for poor Grandma, but I feel this is a rookie mistake.

For one, once "Nana" hypothetically bites the dust, it's not only her who dies, you're also killing off any opportunity of using this excuse again. But, if poor ol' granny is only KNOCKING on death's door, it's a legit enough reason to have to go visit her. Come Monday morning, you get to tell everybody at work the great news that Grandma is quite the fighter and survived!

Meanwhile, you, Grandma and even Grandpa are all screaming "iiiiiiiiiit's TIME!" right before the McGregor/Alvarez fight begins!

It's a family affair!

3) Car troubles

*This does not work very well if you live in a metropolis and/or showed up to work last week bragging about your brand new sports car, which if you are that guy... stop reading this article and reconsider how you conduct yourself, because nobody at work likes you.

This one takes a little more work than the rest, but comes with a pretty high success ratio. To be effective, you will have to map it out, utilize a clock and may even have to step outside during the UFC prelims to make the call. (I know, these prelims are gonna be gangbusters)

About an hour outside of your shift is usually a time frame that is most conducive to the story. Say it happened a couple of blocks from your home and that AAA is on the way to tow it. Really sell the fact that you soooooo wanted to come into work, and that you're hopeful it'll be a quick-fix situation and you'll be on your way in no time.

Go back to enjoy the fights and wait for the next big knockout, say the Vicente Luque vs. Belal Muhammad fight (two relative unknowns coming off big KO victories, trying to make a name; seems like a recipe for success), and then run outside to make the most crucial call, "the follow-up."

Here is what separates the black belts from the white belts: You subtly drop that the mechanic has let on that it's worse than you initially thought. They need to take it into the shop.

*If they ask you to take a cab, an Uber or something of the sorts, first off, your boss is a d*ck and second, just let them know this crazy ol' AAA guy towed it to some repair shop way out in (name a place in your town nobody ever wants to go to).

Works. Every. Time.

2) Jury Duty

It must have totally slipped your mind, being that you've been so busy doing anything and everything to help (name of the company you work for), but you have to be an upstanding citizen and do your civil duty! It's been requested, nay, demanded!

Of course, I already know they don't have jury duty on Saturdays, that is, generally speaking. They will, however, hold emergency sessions on a Saturday.

So, here is the best part, you now get to take Friday off as well, so you can watch the 205 weigh-ins!

Due to the fact you will be "reporting" for jury duty that Friday, and they liked you so much they not only chose you as a juror, but put you on a case that needed an emergency Saturday session!

Somebody is a true American and we all salute you!

*If it was me, I'd tell them I was on the next version of the O.J. Simpson trial, so there is no chance of me missing either!

Get your priorities straight!

1) Pipes broke

Whether in a house or apartment, we all can fall victim.

You were ready to start your pre-work routine and start another successful shift when all of a sudden, you stepped in a puddle. You looked around the corner to find the leaking source, and to your dismay, you unintentionally had an indoor pool installed. Water is everywhere, and only the last plumber and those cheap pipes are to blame.

This issue requires immediate attention and unfortunately... it may take all pay-per-view... I mean, night!

For added effect and drama, you can Google a few pics of flooded homes to text your boss, or my personal favorite, call gargling a mouthful of water. "It's so deep!"

There really is no wrong answer when thinking of reasons to get out of work for November 12th. It's easily going to be one of the best UFC event in history, and though it may not be worth the price of becoming unemployed, it's certainly worth getting crafty for!


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